The Diary of Jubilation Lee
by Huntress-X
Summary: A few pages from Jubilee´s diary, the deeper and darker once
1. Ordinary

**The Diary of Jubilation Lee**

**Ordinary**

**By: Huntress X**

* * *

I dont own anything! So dont sue!

* * *

**_Whose eyes am I behind?_**

**_I don't recognize anything that I see_**

**_Whose skin is this design?_**

**_I don't want this to be the way that you see me_**

****

Today they actually told me to try and act ordinary, but how can I? How can I act something when I don't even know who I really am yet? And still there is noting ordinary with my life and it never has been. I know how they see me and that is not how they should look at me. I have done and been thru so much in so few years and all of that has left a scar a big scar that will never heal. Who am I?

****

**_I don't understand anything anymore_**

**_In this world that I'm tired of_**

**_Is taking me right up these walls_**

**_That I climb up to get to your story_**

**_It's anything but ordinary_**

****

Am I that happy go girl that they see? Am I the big fighter that I want to be? Or am I just me? I don't understand anything, why can't someone just come and tell me?

I know they love me and I love them they are my family, they have raised me and cared for me for years

But aren't parents supposed to have all the answers? So why can't they tell me who I am?

I asked Wolvie once, he told me that only I was the only one who could know that……then how come I don't?

****

****

**_And when the world is on its knees with me its fine_**

**_And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind_**

**_Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine?_**

**_'Cause you're what I need so very but I´m anything but ordinary_**

****

****

Some nights I sneak out my window and out into the night, I rush thru the forest on the grounds although I´m not sure why.

I think I´m searching for something for……a path, a way……my way.

But I never find it I can run around for hours and hours but I never find it. I think I want a new world, not you know change the planet just my world, I think I just need someone to save me from my old one first.

I don't wanna sound selfish but I think the world have treaded me badly.

I mean hello! I was just a kid! I didn't deserve this... did I?

****

**_Can you save me from this world of mine?_**

**_Before I get myself arrested with this expectation?_**

**_You are the one look what you've done?_**

**_This is not some kind of joke_**

**_You're just a kid_**

**_You weren't ready for what you did NO!_**

****

Great I am probably sounding like a spoiled brat who just thinks that the world is agents just her and no one else.

But I know and I have seen what the world has done to others who haven't deserved it either.

Like Wolvie he never should have had to lose his memory and been taken agents his will, or Gambit he couldn't help what Sinister did to him. So I know I do know that I´m not the only one that feels like the world has let them down.

****

**_And when the world is on its knees with me its fine_**

**_And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time_**

**_Everybody seems to be getting what they need, where's mine?_**

**_'Cause you're what I need so very but I´m anything but ordinary_**

****

I don't feel my pain as much anymore though; maybe it is because I have lost me and with me goes my life and my pain. Or is it because I have just turned away from it.

I just wanna find me again not the person who I was but the person that I am.

Does that make any since……at all?

But still I do know one thing and that is that I´m not ordinary!

****

**_I think I´m trying to save the world for you_**

**_You've been saving me too_**

**_We could just stay in and save each other_**

****

****

I´m anything but ordinary! And I like that because that is a small piece of the person I am trying to find… I think.

And I think I´m going to find her some day even though I need her now, I guess I half to wait.

That's maybe what parents and families are for to help you and guide you until you have found out who you really are?

I really want to know who I am but I guess I need some more pieces to the puzzle huh?

So Wolvie was right I´m the only one who knows who I´m really am.

I´m not going to stop running at night, I need that, why? Because I need to search I only have one piece of me yet.

And when I find me I will thank those who helped me become that person.

My family

The X-men

But until then I KNOW one thing and even though they said that I should try and act ordinary…well even parents can make mistakes sometimes because I know that I´m anything but ordinary! And I think they know that to.

****

**_I´m anything but ordinary _**

**_(ordinary)_**

**_I´m anything but ordinary _**

**_(ordinary)_**

****

_A page from the diary of Jubilation Lee._

__


	2. My Life, My Choice

**The Diary of Jubilation Lee 2**

**My Life, My Choice**

**By: Huntress X**

* * *

These characters do not belong to me the X-men belong to Marvel and Stan Lee.

* * *

I jump of rooftops without knowing if there will be anything to grab on to, I back away a few steps then I start running until I reaches the edge and then I jump trying to reach freedom.

I´m falling down head first feeling the wind go thru my hair and my soul, my long black leather coat flatters behind me almost like wings trying to fly.

Then I open my eyes seeing the ground coming closer, it isnt fear that runs thru me at that sight, it's a mix of freedom and love.

Love for the rush that it gives me to be just inches from death, I have fooled death so many times and even prayed for it once.

Once when a single person caused me so much physical and mental pain but without putting an end to it, as I past out from pain he woke me up and did it over and over and over again, after that you pray for death even though deep down you know that it wont come.

**_When the door shut don't worry about me,_**

**_It's not attention that I want from you._**

**_I Need you to trust, who I'm gonna be,_**

**_And in everything I'm going to do._**

**_Cause I'm not afraid of what I don't know_**

**_For understanding is all that I earn._**

**_But What is for sure is I'm gonna go,_**

**_I´m gonna live and I'm going to learn._**

**_And I know there will be mistakes that I will make._**

**_But, I know that none are worse than chances I don't take._******

I look down and the people below they haven't spotted me get but if I allow myself to fall any closer to the ground they will and that is something I want to avoid.

I look around and reach out my hand grabbing onto an old line left behind by some window-washers.

It snaps of at one end making me swing over the cars and the people and up onto another building, but I´m still restless so I just let go of the line and start running.

I run to the edge of the building and jumps over to the next one and I don't stop until I absolutely can not continue anymore which means that I can do this for hours and hours without stopping and I do.

Manhattan's rooftops are the most peaceful place in New York City, you can still hear the traffic but it sounds more distance like you are one step away from the normal world.

****

**_Right Before your eyes I am changing, changing, changing._**

**_You laugh on the inside, I am changing, changing, changing._**

****

**_When the door shuts, it shuts finally._**

**_A new person that I have become._**

**_I'll follow my heart to my destiny._**

**_The Living in fear and the sorrow is done._**

**_There will be no more feeling that I´m all alone._**

**_I will surround myself with things that help me grow, grow._**

I feel like a shadow all dressed in black and invisible as I almost fly over the city, it just make me feel so alive and so real.

When I finally stop its like all the air in me has disappeared so I stay still a few moments catching my breath, "Time to go home" my inner clock tells me.

It's a long way home so I jump down from the roof landing on my feet´s like a small black cat; I go over and jump onto the motorcycle that I left there earlier.

After a long drive of breaking almost every traffic rule in the book I´m home. I put the bike away and then I go around the big mansion, climbing a big three right outside my window.

I have done this so many times that it's just a daily routine now.

****

**_Right Before your eyes I am changing, changing, changing_**

**_You laugh on the inside, I am changing, changing, changing_**

****

**_When the door shuts don't worry bout me._**

**_Need you to trust who I'm going to be._**

**_When the door shuts don't worry bout me._**

**_Need you to trust who I'm going to be._**

As I enter my room the leather falls of my body and I throw myself onto the soft bed already missing the rush of falling free. I look at my clock and smile a small smile to myself in just a few short hours that clock is going to scream for me to wake up.

"And people wonder why I´m not a morning person".

If THEY knew what I was doing at night they would lock me up, but I don't see it that way.

I have and will never put anyone else life at risk just my own and I think that it's my life so it's my choice.

As long as I don't put others in danger what's the harm?

I close my eyes and let the darkness of my dreams come and get me waiting for the next night to come and set me free.

**_Right Before your eyes I am changing, changing._**

**_You laugh on the inside, I am changing, changing._**

**_Right Before your eyes I am changing, changing._**

**_You laugh on the inside, I am changing, changing._**

**_Right Before your eyes I am changing, changing._**

**_You laugh on the inside, I am changing, changing._**


	3. Breaking the habit

**The Diary of Jubilation Lee 3**

**Breaking The Habit**

**By Huntress X**

* * *

And again I don't own anything and I never have. The song doesn't belong to me it belongs to Linkin Park.

* * *

**_Memories consume_**

**_Like opening the wound_**

**_I'm picking me apart again_**

**_You all assume_**

**_I'm safe here in my room_**

**_Unless I try to start again_**

I love this song, since the first time I heard it I have loved it. Why? Because it's like they are singing out my feelings putting them down to words in a way I never could. For me it has always been hard to talk about how I feel, I mean I can shove my feelings and tell the once I love that I love them but…I feel like its hard to let out the real me.

I may be a load mouthed mall rat but that's just a small part of me, and then there is the spoiled rich kid from Beverly Hills who got everything she wanted again a very small part of me. What about the rest?

Am I aloud to show that?

Can I show that?

**_I don't want to be the one_**

**_The battles always choose_**

**_'cause inside I realize_**

**_That I'm the one confused_**

****

**_I don't know what's worth fighting for_**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_I don't know why I instigate_**

**_And say what I don't mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I know it's not alright_**

**_So I'm_**

**_Breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight_**

I have become more quiet now and I have stop speaking my mind every other second, instead I act I guess more grown up maybe more like I should, but I will never give up the sarcastic comments…those are mine another part of who I am. A funny thing though I didn't think anybody would notes when I stopped acting like the "13 year old happy going firecracker" but they did.

Not for the first few days, I guess they thought I was just a little down, but then wherever I went they started to ask me.

"Are you alright?" or "Is something wrong?" I just sighed and told them no and that I was just fine; I don't think they believe me though.

**_Clutching my cure_**

**_I tightly lock the door_**

**_I try to catch my breath again_**

**_I hurt much more_**

**_Than anytime before_**

**_I had no options left again_**

****

**_I don't want to be the one_**

**_The battles always choose_**

**_'cause inside I realize_**

**_That I'm the one confused_**

I really do like this song, the first time I heard it was when I was jumping over buildings disappearing into the night taking my rushes before the daylight comes.

It was a party a collage party and they were playing very really load.

Load enough for me to stop and listen feeling the words that was written by someone I don't even know describing exactly how I feel…it probably happens to someone else to……or I am a really strange person? Well I do jump of building to get close to death so...I am not a 100 like everybody else.

**_I don't know what's worth fighting for_**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_I don't know why I instigate_**

**_And say what I don't mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I'll never be alright_**

**_So I'm_**

**_Breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight_**

I am slowly becoming someone else, but it still feels like I am becoming someone that I´m not aloud to be.

But why shouldn't I be aloud to be who I want? It's a constant battle inside of me and outside for that matter…when you think about it my whole life is a battle.

But the battle inside of me is the one that tares on me the one that screams at me and the one I can't hide from. And then the never ending question that my mind always asks me "Who am I?"

**_I'll paint it on the walls_**

**_'cause I'm the one at fault_**

**_I'll never fight again_**

**_And this is how it ends_**

****

**_I don't know what's worth fighting for_**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_But now I have some clarity_**

**_To show you what I mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I'll never be alright_**

**_So I'm breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight_**

Who do I live for?

Why do I live?

Why don't I know?

Can I ever be whom I am meant to be?

Can someone answer?

But for know I am breaking the habit.


	4. The Choices We Make

**The Diary of Jubilation Lee 4**

**The Choices We Make**

**By: Huntress X**

* * *

Once again they do not belong to me and they never will.

* * *

**_Another night again_**

**_Another journey without friends_**

**_Another a fight to wish away the loneliness I live_**

**_Another circus show_**

**_Another face that I don't know_**

**_Another night of people asking what I have to give_**

**_I thought that I would drown_**

**_But it's okay by now_**

"The choices we make today can forever change our future" My father told me that, the last chrismas we were together before they died. I was only nine years old and I didn't really understand what he meant but I think I get now. Every little choice I make does not only affect my future it can affect others to and I don't think that I have ever given that a thought.

Until now…

I mean after I got back last night and lay back in my bed just kind of feeling the silence I started thinking about what Bishop told me like a lifetime ago.

That I was the last X-man…and I was wondering if I make the wrong choices now what will happen then?

**_And all along the way I feel a part of me I have to fight_**

**_Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin_**

**_The emptiness in me is fading'_**

**_I can see my life is waiting'_**

**_Now I know I'm living' for who I am_**

**_Now I know I'm living' for who I am..._**

****

**_The fire grows inside_**

**_The feeling can not be denied_**

**_when everywhere I turn there's signs because they push me_**

****

**_Well I was fallin' down_**

**_But it's okay right now_**

I guess I was just wondering if I really can live at all. Maybe that's why I need the rushes, that feeling of being close to death, because I don't really now if I can live.

I feel alive when death is close and when the fights are at their tops, the fire inside of me grows and I can let the energy out all the pain…all the hate…and all the love.

**_And all along the way I feel a part of me I have to fight_**

**_Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin_**

**_The emptiness in me is fading'_**

**_I can see my life is waiting'_**

**_Now I know I'm living' for who I am_** **__**

****

**_When everything seems grey_**

**_When everyone is fake_**

**_No one really knows you_**

****

**_Look into their eyes_**

**_Rip off your disguise_**

**_Let 'ém see the real you_**

Have you ever felt like something is just burning under your skin? Like an itchy feeling?

I have it all the time, I become restless and the feeling to challenge death grows even more.

**_And all along the way I feel a part of me I have to fight_**

**_Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin_**

**_The emptiness in me is fading'_**

**_I can see my life is waiting'_**

**_Now I know I'm living' for who I am_**

****

**_Now I know I'm living' for who I am..._**

As I was laying and thinking last night the question "Who am I?" came back and I think I have figure out or at list gotten a clue to it.

I think that you are living for who you are; I know sounds weird but just think about it.

I am living for who I am and not living to try an search for who I am.

I´m not making any since am I? But then again I really never do…

But no I know I´m living for who I am.


	5. Touch of Life

**The Diary of Jubilation Lee 5**

**Touch of Life**

**By: Huntress X**

* * *

Don't own it people so don't sue me!

* * *

**_Fumbling his confidence _**

**_And wondering why the world has passed him by _**

**_Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments _**

**_And failed attempts to fly _**

Have you ever really thought about the small things we do everyday? I mean like the small touches.

Like the kisses on the cheeks I give before I´m going to bed, the hugs I give and the kicks and hits (Mostly to Bobby who is just being himself)

Not everybody can do that, they don't feel like they can and that's just sucks. Just think that you can't hug your mother or kiss your father on the cheek…not to touch them. When I went to "Beverly Hills Catholic Prep School for Girls" I saw it all the time, children who just went quietly behind her parents holding the hands of their nanny. Sure I had a nanny to but when I was out with my parents I held their hands.

They always walked with their heads down.

**_We were meant to live for so much more _**

**_Have we lost ourselves? _**

**_Somewhere we live inside _**

**_Somewhere we live inside _**

**_We were meant to live for so much more _**

**_Have we lost ourselves? _**

**_Somewhere we live inside _**

****

**_Dreaming about _****_Providence_****__**

**_And whether mice or men have second tries _**

**_Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open _**

**_Maybe we're bent and broken, broken_**

I feel sorry for them, I always kiss people goodnight and sometimes good morning and say "love you" because I know that, that could be the last thing I ever say to them… I wish I had told my parents that but I didn't.

I think I was mean to live for more then this I am not just there get.

**_We want more than this world's got to offer _**

**_We want more than this world's got to offer _**

**_We want more than the wars of our fathers _**

**_And everything inside screams for second life, yeah_**

When I was on the streets I was alone, nobody cared no one was there. When I had a nightmare I had to just shake it of and try to get some more sleep and that's hard when you are ten. Now whenever I have a nightmare in the few hours that I do sleep I have people there and that really means a lot.

And that makes you think again, is it really worth it to risk dying every night? What if something goes wrong? I don't wanna hurt them. But I just can't give up the rushes I just can't…

**_We were meant to live for so much more _**

**_Have we lost ourselves? _**

**_We were meant to live for so much more _**

**_Have we lost ourselves? _**

**_We were meant to live for so much more _**

**_Have we lost ourselves? _**

**_We were meant to live _**

**_We were meant to live_**

I do think that the "everyday" touches are one of the most important things we do, even though we don't really see how much they really mean.

We all want more then this world offers but maybe we should think about the little things first and then demand something bigger something that might change your life.

But for now just try and feel the touch of life.


End file.
